Being a “Provider” vs “Lover” in China and Taiwan.
Have you ever been on a date with a girl in a new country, where the price of living is lower than the West? You felt it was okay to just pay for everything on a date. However, you just didn’t want to feel like she was walking all over you. You didn’t want to feel like you were just being used. You were confused if you should actually just pay for everything or try and get her to invest a little bit into the date?
In this video, I will be sharing the differences between those two types of options. Paying for everything on a date, a provider, versus splitting the date, sticking to your values, sticking to a more western perspective of getting her to financially invest in a date, a lover. And how those two contrast: provider and lover. This is an important topic because this was one of the biggest reasons I would get first dates but no second dates. I didn’t have much money when I first came to China and then to Taiwan. I didn’t really have much money, and as a western guy, I would insist on getting her to invest in a date by paying for something, and I wouldn’t pay for everything. Like I would refuse to.
Perhaps she was actually looking, so I was a lover, but she was looking for a guy who’s more of a provider. And in addition to that, I’ve been dating girls because I was again feeling that lover role. I’ll explain what they are in a moment. She would be initially attracted to me because I was a lover. Being charismatic, showing my confidence and humour etc, having a connection. But then she would leave me to date a provider guy. A guy who had his lifestyle down in terms of money. He had his wealth down. He has a car, a nice place, his job is all sorted, and he’s always paying for her.
She left me to date this guy. You might find this quite confusing because if you know anything about the psychology of meeting girls. If you know anything about any deeper topics in terms of dating. Many coaches say that you want to be a lover, not a provider and that a “lovers are good” and “providers are bad”. However, in this video, I’ll break down the pros and cons of both and how you can correctly position yourself. Which will increase girls coming out the conversion from a first date to a second date. And of course, if you do really like her, of course, you want her to keep coming out on dates with you, instead of her just getting bored of you and going to date another guy.
What’s up, guys? If this is your first time tuning in, I am James from Dating James, and I’m here in Ximending in Taipei. You are watching the video series, the video playlist on, should men pay for everything on dates with Chinese and Taiwanese girls. Maybe you’re enjoying this series so far and want extra information? Info that will give you an advantage in going on your dates and edge in knowledge and social skills with the culture and interacting with Chinese speaking girls? You can follow me on my social media. Everything’s in the links below. You can follow me for behind the scenes information and extra added value, which will help you get more second dates. Cool.
Okay, so let me clarify a lot more. What is a lover, and what is a provider? A lover is a guy who focuses on personality and charisma to attract girls. For example, through humour, through confidence, through connection. However, a provider will use money and status more to attract girls. Okay, they will show off their wealth. They’ll show off their social circle a lot more. They show off their lifestyle a lot more, which in the last video we talked about can be a little bit obvious depending on how you do it. But again, it is still attractive. My point is both have pros and cons, okay.
I know most coaches are like, be a lover, not a provider, a provider is bad like most guys think that as well. But there’re advantages to being a provider, which is one reason I wouldn’t get second dates. For example, because I was so sticking to my values, being a bit too polarizing would cause awkward situations and show that I’m a little bit low value. Because I wouldn’t, I would refuse to pay sometimes, I would try and get them to pay. Yeah, that was unattractive because it’s showing like some money problems. Perhaps, I don’t have an abundance of money. Maybe, I didn’t fully understand the culture here, potentially a provider. Providers are potentially more attractive in Taiwan and China than in the West. It really depends on the country and the culture.
Those are the bad points of being a lover: you can be awkward in many ways in terms of money. Especially when money is popular, very attractive over here, (arguably) more seductive than in the West. However, some of the disadvantages of being a provider is that it’s low value in terms that she can walk over you. Like she’s like, oh buy this, buy this, buy this. And because you’ve already built up that expectation and because she likes you because of your money. And if at any point in the future, you lose your money, she might leave you. Of course.
It’s always an excuse to not work on developing your character if you’re using money a lot. Of course, status will build your character. But in terms of money, it can be the easy way out of not overcoming your insecurities. One point I got to make is essential, which is a big mistake that many guys make. You don’t have to be one or the other, okay. It the not mutually exclusive it can be either/or you can be in the middle. And this is what I found has worked very well in terms of dates.
So why do many dating coaches say you should be a lover instead of a provider?
One massive advantage that a lover has over a provider is if you are a provider, she will probably make you invest more time and money before things move onwards in the bedroom. She will want to make you invest as much and much as possible. For various reasons, she sees you as a better long-term partner. Definitely perhaps husband material. She doesn’t want you to think she’s easy. So she won’t give it to you. She won’t give you the honey. She won’t give you the sugar early on.
She will make you wait a few days before giving you what you want. Because she doesn’t want to feel like, oh, you can just pay for it. You can just pay for the sugar. If you get what I mean. However, if you are a lover, she probably isn’t even thinking about if marrying you in the future. She hasn’t even because you haven’t shown off this stability through money, this stable lifestyle, it’s an abundance of resources to raise kids. Yeah, excuse me, she won’t even be considering that option. She won’t be overthinking, and therefore, she’s more likely to go home with you a lot earlier than a provider.
And of course, we all know after things, after you seal the deal and you do the business if you get what I mean, “how’s your father”. The situation changes massively. For some reason, it’s very awkward until you get it over with. The dynamic, if you’ve ever felt that like going on a date, the first few dates before you guys have connected compared to afterwards. You feel a lot more comfortable with each other. This is a lot less of a big deal. You’ve already explored that option. However, a provider would always still be that big deal until you just get it out of the way.
That is why most coaches say you should be a lover first. You should advocate being a lover instead of a provider. But the point is that if you are a lover, you will lose potential girls who are actually actively seeking providers. Which is a lot of girls in Taiwan and in China, not every year but a lot. You won’t get second dates.
I found the most important tip, the biggest hint I can give to you is that you do not have to be either/or. You don’t have to be a lover or a provider, they’re not mutually exclusive. You can be very ambiguous and be in the middle, okay. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. But you might be thinking, ‘James, how do I actually do that? Like, so should I split the bill or should I pay?’ My point is, you can still provide on the first date. You can go for something cheap, not expensive, and pay for it because you did invite her out. And she has invested a lot of time and money. I’ll talk about that in the next video. If you are enjoying this video so far, remember to follow me on my social media in the link. The link below for extra information.
If you’ve come out on a date, she’s already invested way more time than you, if she likes you preparing, you know like her hair, her clothes, what she’s going to wear. She’s already told her friends; however, you might have only told one guy. She might have told her friends how romantic it was when you first met, you know the story. Of course, you haven’t told your guy friends. So, she’s invested a lot not financially but a lot of time, energy, and emotions. So, it’s okay if you first fulfill the provider role by paying for everything okay. And therefore, avoiding. If it’s cheap and it’s the first date you won’t really be stuck in the provider role, but you are still avoiding that awkward situation that a lover would. Which would be to split the bill because he’s sticking to his values, okay.
So, you can be like a charismatic provider. Cool guys, I’ll be sharing more about this, how you can be a provider and a lover, keep it ambiguous in the last video of this series, how exactly to do that, and why it is the best. So, you can check that out. But now that you followed this video and this information, you will avoid the traditional dating coach’s advice: be a lover or be a provider. You can’t be in the middle. I’ve entirely broken that down now. So, this will hugely increase your chances of her coming out on a second day. Because you’re avoiding the awkward situations of stuff that a lover would do, which is like trying to split the bill. Cool.
Remember, if you have enjoyed this video, check out my Socials. Follow me on social media under this video if you want that extra information. Which will give you an advantage in terms of dating in China and dating in Taiwan. Cool. See you in the following video.